my bro got his results.ok la, but i think he's disappointed. cause it isnt too good. but then i think it's time to move on le. hope this fri when i get my results i can think so too. even if the future does not point to NUS. haiz.

i hope the results is on fri, not mon. dont wanna kill myself with worry over the weekend.

was talking to my dad on the way home.i like talking to him, but our talks always make me think. at one point i told him i know that mum always doted on my brother more, and he replied that he love both of us equally much. i guess i was hoping to hear him say he doted on me more, but it didnt come, that sentence i was hoping for. ha. of course my dad wont say straight out he loves me more, but that instant i felt like i wasnt special. like redundant in this family. perhaps that's why i'm scared to have kids, what if i dont love them and hence indirectly screw their lives up?( mine isnt screwed, yet.)

was wondering was i eager to get my parents' love in primary and sec 1 years that i strived hard for good results? but gradually came to realise that no matter how hard i try, i'll always be the first born baby who wasnt a boy. the boy my mother wanted. so i gave up.

isnt that sad? to let your gender affect your mother's love for you, to feel less of a member of the family? i'm still affected by these thoughts, just that i learnt to ignore them, to push them away to the back of my head.i would think i rather have nobody love me so i could love myself in every way i can. not for some people to love me less than others, to make me doubt my self worth.

but then i dont think i deserve anybody's wholehearted love. i don't think i can love them as much as they deserve. perhaps inevitably in the end, i'm supposed to be alone. perhaps i will always break people's hearts. but perhaps that way i'll live better, albeit sleep with a guilty conscience. cause i just have to selfishly act on my own whims without a thought for others. but to be alone in this world is scarier than death. my personal wish is just to die early. grant me that. i cant see myself in 30 years. hah

but i still know that my parents love me.